k.....

so, broke up with chad, two months after two years.

started dating Mike a month after that, we've been dating for 6 months.

I'm being sued for $25,000 because of a car accident I was in.

I was also rear ended by someone. That ended better than the other one.

Someone got a hold of my social security number and name and ran up a $5,000 bill with it.

But filled out all the papers and got that dismissed.

I'm learning that I'm not a good friend, that I'm bad at listening, I'm bad at respecting personal space, and that I'm rather irresponsible and quite thoughtless.

I love Mike.

But I often feel isolated and lonely.

I feel as if he often just ignores my texts. Am I sending them to frequently? or are they just not pertinent enough for him to answer?

I know he's going through his issues and he's got more important things atm. I just wish.... idk. I just wish I felt like he was making time for me. But he doesn't even have any time to make for me.

The fact that he doesn't believe in marriage makes me anxious. I want to get married. Not to him right now. But as a general goal, I want to. and I want babies. In that order. And I would like to stay with mike for as long as possible because I love him dearly. I can see myself being with him for a very long time. And if it comes to that point and I'm begging him to even just come down to the courthouse with me, I'm not sure if that's what I want it to get to. I see my mom in that situation right now and it kills me.

I just wish I felt more important. I feel like I'm drowning in the real world environment and I'm feeling more and more insignificant as life goes on. The less I matter the less point there is to trying to do anything well, if at all. The less point there is to trying the less point there is to living.

I feel like a failure. I disappoint people. I betray trusts. I don't think through my actions before I do them. I do stupid things.

I feel useless. I don't do anything significant. I never will. If I can't even make my own damn boyfriend feel better about anything then what's the use of anything?

I feel stupid for forgetting to water my aunt and uncle's plants. I feel so bad and guilty and ashamed about it. I just, I was over at their house for the first half of their vacation. And it rained one or two days so I wasn't worried cause the plants were outside. but on Thursday night I got really sick. and I didn't leave the house until Tuesday. And I know that that's not a good excuse, that there are no good excuses for my actions. I should've called my dad, asked him to water them, asked Mildred, asked Kimmy. Asked my mom, asked someone, done something. I feel like an irresponsible kid. I am an irresponsible kid. I'm stupid. I'm just like my dad, thoughtless and oblivious. that's probably why so many people in the past have taken offense to me when I didn't realize I did anything wrong... I'm worthless..

one year...... and one more song. I love my blueberry :P

one more song. Lol, he's so sappy

 

Wishing stars
rainy nights
a tiny speck of a boy
I meant nothing
to anybody
I knew no meaning of joy
You came along
without any warning
and changed my everything
Now I wonder
if you feel
the joy your presence brings

Could it be
my prayers were heard?
Could it be
that my dreams came true?
Could it be
that you've saved me?
Could it be
that i was meant for you?

You were there
haunting my dreams
but now I clearly see your face
With you now
happy at last
I finally feel in place
You came along
without any warning
and changed my everything
Now I wonder
if you feel
the joy your presence brings

 

hehe..... :D